Mama Is Back, Hana!
Hello everyone, I'd like to tell you one of my true story through my PPD and PPP in 2011-2014, for the sake of sharing the meaning of the message "You Are Not Alone" lead me to have a big passion and self confidence to write down and ignore a fear in my mind who keep telling me " I can't do this!"
My Pregnancy Loss And Grief
I was marriage in 2009. 5 years ago, I was an English teacher, I taught conversation for kindegarten. The children liked me a lot and so did I, their innocent faces made me so happy no matter how noisy they were sometimes, I have not got my pregnancy yet that time, so I assumed them as my own children. They said how lucky your children are having a mama like you. I imagined to be a happy mama and resigned from my job if I have my own kids, waiting for my husband after work and prepare dinner, laughing, be a supermom, loving, patient and tender. But in fact, unfortunately it didnot happened to me. Motherhood was a nightmare. Completely different from being a teacher. I was more like a zombie than a mama, or a mama without feeling inside
It began in 2011 when I had my first pregnancy, everything was going fine until someday my Obgyn said that my baby was IUFD in 26 weeks pregnancy because of genetic abnormality factor. I had no idea about IUFD was, I heard about miscarriage, I though after passing first trisemester, my pregnancy would be okay. I was suprised and shocked, I remembered I was out of control in the hospital and didnot want this baby to leave my body, denying he was still alive. My husband, sisters and obgyn hugged me and said "everything will be okay Yana, we love you so much, you were still young and would have another child, your son needed to be burried in a deserved place. he was already being your angel. Struggling 3 days in the hospital, finally he was born, but my midwife didnot allow me to see him, she was afraid that I would be more depressed.
After going home from hospital, I had to accept that I was not pregnant anymore. It must be a punishment and I must have done something wrong. I keep holding a grudge for my own self. My family and neighbour didnot want to understand, They wanted me to be though immadiately. In order to reduce my pain, we decided to separated from my parent's house and rent a house,trying to have a new life. They sometimes dropped in my rent house and the have seen me as a woman who got easily moved on. They did not know in the middle of night, I still had a previous bad dream, a flash back about my son death and trauma by the procedure of his birth for 3 years (until my daughter 1 year old ) also hold a pillow as my son. My husband always be there for me and give his best patience. One day I ever saw him crying too in the kitchen. I asked him in the next day "why did you cry?" he said " I felt hurted too, but if I see you cry, it gave me more sadness, I need to strenghten you, please...don't be like this anymore, you are not be blamed. It was not your fault, it was not my fault, it was not anybody's fault, please don't grudge your self". For not making him dissapointed, I decided to not show my grief in front of him, I cried when I was alone at home.
3 months later, I saw two lines in my pregnancy testpack, I was so glad and told him. One day after that, I got catasthropic bleeding and I was so frustated, thinking I will lost my second change. We immadiately go to the hospital to check this out. I was afraid and feel desperated. Suprisedly, after examining me through USG, my doctor said that I was not pregnant or it called pseudopregnancy. He told us , probably because of my psychological strees and emotional which is really wanted to have a baby. this bleeding was only my menstruation period. We followed all procedures in order to get a healthier pregnancy included in TORCH and ACA test. Thanks God, all of my laboratorium tests are negative and we continue the programmes from my doctor. We needed to consume some suplements and vitamins. On May 2012, finally I got my second pregnancy. We were very happy for this, He took care of me and did some household, cleaned the house and washed the clothes. Yup, sadly. it didnot run well, a little of blood, 3 times covered my underwear if I was tired, I had to stay in my bed for about 2-3 months and drink some medicines to save my baby's life.
Felt alone in the rent house when he has worked, my anxiety during pregnancy getting worst, I kept thinking how if...how about..worry if something bad happened again, afraid seeing USG, how if my baby IUFD anymore...I could not sleep and easily to be panic. I did not enjoy it at all. Every hour, I checked my underwear to see is there any blood or not?. 2nd trisemester was better and I tried to go outside alone without my husband. At 34th weeks, my doctor said my placenta was not so good, I had placenta spuria grade 3 and became grade 4 at 38th weeks pregnancy, not only placenta but also oligohydramnion. Doctor has decided 2 options to save her, caeserean section immadiately or induction labor ( 50:50 chance to live). I said I didnot want an induction labor because I still have trauma with that "way", and I was afraid she would die anymore,,please,,please..I begged to him. Seeing me so panic and could not calm, we decided to choose caesarean operation. With all those kind of hopes, love and patience, my beautiful daughter came to this world on January, 17th 2013 at 8.30 pm. She was so perfect in my eyes, her face is like my husband's, but her eyes seemed to be like me. Her voice at the first time has cheered up my parents and my parents in law. She was putted by a nurse in my breast for a momment and we separated, I felt she wanted to closed with me for a longer time. Something weird, I could not be happier than my family and I felt numb emotion. I should be enthutiasm right? it was my dream come true, finally after 3 years waiting, but why I could not even smile?
My Pregnancy Loss And Grief
I was marriage in 2009. 5 years ago, I was an English teacher, I taught conversation for kindegarten. The children liked me a lot and so did I, their innocent faces made me so happy no matter how noisy they were sometimes, I have not got my pregnancy yet that time, so I assumed them as my own children. They said how lucky your children are having a mama like you. I imagined to be a happy mama and resigned from my job if I have my own kids, waiting for my husband after work and prepare dinner, laughing, be a supermom, loving, patient and tender. But in fact, unfortunately it didnot happened to me. Motherhood was a nightmare. Completely different from being a teacher. I was more like a zombie than a mama, or a mama without feeling inside
It began in 2011 when I had my first pregnancy, everything was going fine until someday my Obgyn said that my baby was IUFD in 26 weeks pregnancy because of genetic abnormality factor. I had no idea about IUFD was, I heard about miscarriage, I though after passing first trisemester, my pregnancy would be okay. I was suprised and shocked, I remembered I was out of control in the hospital and didnot want this baby to leave my body, denying he was still alive. My husband, sisters and obgyn hugged me and said "everything will be okay Yana, we love you so much, you were still young and would have another child, your son needed to be burried in a deserved place. he was already being your angel. Struggling 3 days in the hospital, finally he was born, but my midwife didnot allow me to see him, she was afraid that I would be more depressed.
After going home from hospital, I had to accept that I was not pregnant anymore. It must be a punishment and I must have done something wrong. I keep holding a grudge for my own self. My family and neighbour didnot want to understand, They wanted me to be though immadiately. In order to reduce my pain, we decided to separated from my parent's house and rent a house,trying to have a new life. They sometimes dropped in my rent house and the have seen me as a woman who got easily moved on. They did not know in the middle of night, I still had a previous bad dream, a flash back about my son death and trauma by the procedure of his birth for 3 years (until my daughter 1 year old ) also hold a pillow as my son. My husband always be there for me and give his best patience. One day I ever saw him crying too in the kitchen. I asked him in the next day "why did you cry?" he said " I felt hurted too, but if I see you cry, it gave me more sadness, I need to strenghten you, please...don't be like this anymore, you are not be blamed. It was not your fault, it was not my fault, it was not anybody's fault, please don't grudge your self". For not making him dissapointed, I decided to not show my grief in front of him, I cried when I was alone at home.
3 months later, I saw two lines in my pregnancy testpack, I was so glad and told him. One day after that, I got catasthropic bleeding and I was so frustated, thinking I will lost my second change. We immadiately go to the hospital to check this out. I was afraid and feel desperated. Suprisedly, after examining me through USG, my doctor said that I was not pregnant or it called pseudopregnancy. He told us , probably because of my psychological strees and emotional which is really wanted to have a baby. this bleeding was only my menstruation period. We followed all procedures in order to get a healthier pregnancy included in TORCH and ACA test. Thanks God, all of my laboratorium tests are negative and we continue the programmes from my doctor. We needed to consume some suplements and vitamins. On May 2012, finally I got my second pregnancy. We were very happy for this, He took care of me and did some household, cleaned the house and washed the clothes. Yup, sadly. it didnot run well, a little of blood, 3 times covered my underwear if I was tired, I had to stay in my bed for about 2-3 months and drink some medicines to save my baby's life.
Felt alone in the rent house when he has worked, my anxiety during pregnancy getting worst, I kept thinking how if...how about..worry if something bad happened again, afraid seeing USG, how if my baby IUFD anymore...I could not sleep and easily to be panic. I did not enjoy it at all. Every hour, I checked my underwear to see is there any blood or not?. 2nd trisemester was better and I tried to go outside alone without my husband. At 34th weeks, my doctor said my placenta was not so good, I had placenta spuria grade 3 and became grade 4 at 38th weeks pregnancy, not only placenta but also oligohydramnion. Doctor has decided 2 options to save her, caeserean section immadiately or induction labor ( 50:50 chance to live). I said I didnot want an induction labor because I still have trauma with that "way", and I was afraid she would die anymore,,please,,please..I begged to him. Seeing me so panic and could not calm, we decided to choose caesarean operation. With all those kind of hopes, love and patience, my beautiful daughter came to this world on January, 17th 2013 at 8.30 pm. She was so perfect in my eyes, her face is like my husband's, but her eyes seemed to be like me. Her voice at the first time has cheered up my parents and my parents in law. She was putted by a nurse in my breast for a momment and we separated, I felt she wanted to closed with me for a longer time. Something weird, I could not be happier than my family and I felt numb emotion. I should be enthutiasm right? it was my dream come true, finally after 3 years waiting, but why I could not even smile?
